This is like a personal meme for myself every year.

I didn't particularly feel like doing it, but it helps give marking to a period of time and encourages me to work harder as time goes by.

So here we go.

The notable events of '09, in a somewhat chronological order:
- Covered the Ing Cup Finals round 1-3 in Singapore and met Go Seigen
- Selected as Featured Artist for Wacom Intuos 4's global campaign
- Broke up
- Visited hide's grave in Miurakaigen
- Attended X Japan's concert's after party in Tokyo
- Celebrated birthday in Tokyo too, the day after
- Attended 3 out of 12 of the deviantART WorldTour meetups (Singapore, Paris, London)
- Shot for SingaporeBrides.com in Paris & New York
- Shot editorials for Gothic & Lolita Bible
- Shot campaigns for Pond's in Jakarta for Indonesia, Montblanc in Singapore for Singapore, Indonesia and Thailand, and Sony Vaio in Shanghai for China
- Saw the 1:1 life-size Gundam in Japan
- Went on a fruit diet for a month (which was kinda awesome)
- Attended a week of classes at Yale
- Won Overseas Master Photographer of the Year title at the Master Photography Awards 09 (UK)
- Placed 3rds in International Photography Awards' Advertising Catalogue and Fine Art Nudes
- Visited Mark Seliger's studio
- Visited deviantART HQ
- Launched my Postcard Collection (together with Noah)
- Covered Sugizo's concert
- Photographed Sugizo for personal work
- Grandma passed away

Notable shoots:
- Personal: Sugizo, Margaret (Celosia), Ivory Flame (Lilith), Yuta, Abby (The Coldest Day), Chiaki, Lara, Alodia
- Ads/Campaigns: Montblanc (Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand), Pond's (Indonesia), Sony (China), Lancome (Singapore)
- Editorials/Advertorials: Harper's Bazaar Singapore x6, Gothic Lolita Bible x4, SingaporeBrides.com x3, Elle Singapore

Resolutions (i.e. things I wanna but will most likely end up not doing) for '10:
- Read More
- Learn driving (gah)
- Play go

Plans (i.e. things I wanna but do actually want to properly seen done) for '10:
- Release new photobook
- Solo exhibition in June
- Publications for CGHUB
- Do more personal work

Sometimes it feels like I hardly did anything for the year. Sometimes it feels like what I do is never enough. Sometimes I question my existence, but sometimes, I guess moments like these, when a year ends and I am summing all these stuff up... it seems that it's actually not that bad at all.

Before L died, he'd once said to me, 'People forget eventually. You too will, one day.'

And in my vehement defence of saying I'll always remember, I carved that into my heart.

Perhaps unbeknownst to me, maybe to prove it to him, that was when I decided that I want to be remembered somehow after my death, and leaving my art behind was a way of doing it. Even if it may all be gone one day, at least, there was the illusion.

But something changed within me this year. It suddenly dawned on me that it's alright to be forgotten. That it's fine if no one remembers me when I'm gone. That if I died tomorrow and none of you knew it, it's okay.

This realization made the purpose of my photography contradicted. If I didn't need this, why do I still create?

I was lost and almost a little depressed.

It lasted for a while, a long while or a short while, I can't be sure anymore.

And then the news came that my paternal grandmother passed away.

I visited her a year ago in Huainan. I remember her joy upon seeing me, her happiness and excitement when I showed her my book and the pride in her eyes when I told her about my work.

When I received word of her passing, every important, impacting memory from my childhood flashed before me.

The morning I refused to eat breakfast because there wasn't any eggs.

The lonely months when I was hospitalized and her being the only one who ever visited.

The days when we talked about money, and the people who could afford to have meat on the table for every meal.

And bringing me to piano lessons, my teacher telling me how it wasn't easy for such an old lady to travel back and forth all the time.

They said it wasn't easier for anyone, my mum was working hard somewhere, she was lonely too. But she was strong, she was strong for me. So even if it was difficult, even if it was painful, even if I was lonely and lost and hurting, I needed to work hard, I had to become a strong girl.

I cried that day.

And then I remembered.

I remembered the happiness and joy I had in my heart when viewing beautiful things. It took the pain away, even if only for a moment.

I remembered the love and passion and devotion that bled from artists through their art; the awe I had at how things could ever be so breathtaking and beautiful that they soothed the heart.

I remembered -- it was a place I found solace in, and loved.

And that is enough for me for now, to keep creating.

Rainy days have a way of getting to me sometimes, sorry for the angst.