May 2nd.


I was introduced to X Japan's music on 2nd May, the summer of my first year at RGS.

We were at my guitarist's place together with my bassist and they had me sight-read Endless Rain on a keyboard with 3 octaves too short. It wasn't till much later that I found out that it was hide's death anniversary.

I didn't really like X at first. The too heavy music, the almost scary visual looks, but little by little, it managed to grow on me somehow.

Perhaps covering their songs gave room for appreciation, perhaps it was the sadness that came with all their ballads, I'm not quite sure.

Some nights I'd play Tears on loop and cry myself to sleep, some nights I'd listen to it a little too much and wish I were gone too.

I wonder about all these deaths, all these could-have-beens, and I wonder if there's a god above that's just taking all these away from us just because... and I can't, I can't understand.

Why is it so unfair? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it becomes so much harder to live as the days and years pass by?

Sometimes I think the scars heal and memories fade and that perhaps I'm gonna be okay. But sometimes I don't know how far I can go, don't know if I can live, because remembering hurts so so much but I don't think I can live if I forget either.

I wish I understood this sadness, wish I could chase it away. But nothing makes sense, nothing.